textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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