you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
