i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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