I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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