I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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