If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
