I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
