No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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