the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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