slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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