Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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