i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
