You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
