I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
