My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
