Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
