if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
