I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
