halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
