I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
