My hand turned me down
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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