I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
