Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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