thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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