I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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