also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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