hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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