Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
