Your face is a jimmy john
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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