I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
