i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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