my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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