I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
