Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
