Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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