Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
