It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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