The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
