mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
