I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
