I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
