I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
