I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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