I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
