My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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