soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
