He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
