how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
