drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
