Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
