is your mom at the bar?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
