Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
